Saturday, December 30, 2006
Ya.. the person who tagged.. ya he is right.. only for 1 things.. i have gone mad... no.. its something wrong with me.. yes.. i useless.. in everything.. i blame myself for so useless.. i grab every opportunity.. but still i cant success.. yes.. indeed very useless.. pathetic me acting innocent.. yes.. they are right always.. i got nothing much to say about that.. or should i say i a failure to let others understand me truely.. no1 did.. thats the fact..that the pathetic me.. maybe i should shut myself from the rest of my life.. yes.. then i could prevent me acting pathetic again... nobody wrong.. only myself.. because i have born into this world.. and i shouldnt.. right?
Ended the storytelling at -->7:12 PM
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Friday, December 29, 2006
Well.. fate does it... fate win.. loser is me.. the things i most treasured.. relationship... betrayed me.. betrayed... really does it.. Gods win.. they tortured till i surrender.. what for.. i dont know.. but i felt lighten up.. now.. at least i give up.. relationship.. what important in my heart now is mother and myself.. nothing more.. i think through.. i wont care about anyone else anymore.. really wont.. no matter what i did.. they just forget.. and they just remember 1 things.. all my fault.. no matter how trivial the stuff is.. my fault.. then where does what i did goes.. so what for i care.. just now.. sat at playground.. saying the loser's words to the fate.. heaven..god.. anythings... i like mad already.. i almost cried.. dont know why.. i hate being betrayed.. i hate.. i just hate them what i did was nothing to them... and i just being blamed here and there.. what for i struggle for them.. yes.. i being childish.. wilful.. why i cant? i have been consider for people for so long that i dont even know myself.. from small age till now.. nobody actually tried to understand me.. and for them i act here and there.. help them through trouble.. people have his limit.. i also.. i angry.. but no matter whose fault... i apologise.. no matter how trivial the things.. i tried to stay calm.. but why i still wrong.. who unreasonable now.. me or you.. answer from them is always is me.. considerate is over for me now.. its just over.. since i lose.. why i still struggle.. nobody can win fate.. heaven.. gods.. nobody.. unless they not human.. i human... i strive so hard not to be any person.. i just want to be normal.. having normal lifestyle.. having relationships around me and live happily.. its so simple but to me.. a thorn of fresh to heaven.. became impossible.. frienship.. did anyone did things for me through their heart? no.. even tell them help me.. reject is always what i recieve.. but then i still help them.. so.. fate make them did this to me or i bring it myself?.. and also love.. i didnt have a BG relationship.. because i lack of courage.. so blame myself for useless.. but fate make me a like thorn of fresh to every girls... no matter what i did... the girls took no interest.. i can feel that they just want me vanish.. i cant talk to girls.. yes.. everything i want.. was deprived.. even a warmly home also dont have... because.. i envy others.. got father got mother and got lovely sibling.. i envy.. of course.. the gods make it too.. so.. the result of envy.. created by him.. so i left what.. my precious mom now.. ya i mad.. i may having mental problem now.. who cause it.. i dont know.. i see their smilling face.. i just felt more angry... ya.. trivial stuffs.. but to me.. its hurt my feeling.. its just a simple things cant do for me.. its just unreasonable for them to treat me like dirt after what i always treat them...relationship.. a burden to me.. now.. and maybe.. forever.....
Ended the storytelling at -->11:05 PM
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Monday, December 25, 2006
the present me and the real me..
Hi.. here to blame the heaven again.. well. cant blame since here is my only personal space and i know nobody will interfere my thoughts here.. which is the only REAL me will appear.. ha.. kind of sad isnt it.. my only personal space is a cyber world.. so continue my story.. the heaven.. the so called 'god' they are just merely like to torture human.. old saying goes.. human are created by gods.. then i would want to ask that are they out of kindness to create us or just want a toys to accompany them?? we are the toys.. and we are being tortured.. what future are in our hands.. like bullshit to me now.. i cant change anythings at all.. cant!! no matter what i did. how hard i try.. what the point... its useless at all.. i just scared.. even i typing now.. i trembling.. not the power of god which can destroy me.. is the life i going to go through.. i struggled for so long.. though 'future in our hands' this sentence can be true.. now what? i expecting hopeless, tormented moment.. what wrong with me? they just dont like me or what? let me live in this world isnt your idea? so i am the 'chosen 1'? nothing really matter now... i felt tireness now.. the spirit in me are going to burst.. the madness.. the evil.. i know.. i like having second me in it.. keep thinking things i dont wish to do.. like killing my brother all these and even beating people up unreasonable.. its opposite of me at all. i can feel the hidden strength waiting to burst.. scientist said we all have hidden power.. some can be just normal.. and some can be explosive.. i might be that kind.. and i dont want to.. if really this kind of things happened.. hope is in good use.. save people out of danger all these... you know what? i just want to led a normal life.. a real normal simple life.. but i was acting want to led a extrodinary life.. its not what i want.. the life i want is just having poeple to know me.. at least know my existance.. i dont want to act up so people will know me.. i just wanna be myself.. thats what i want.. and no more acting.. haiz.. even family cant know what i thinking and what i want.. i just being accused again and again.. for trivial stuff.. for anything and they just dont know me still.. what wrong.. brother should be the 1 know me well.. but its opposite.. is i know him too well that i cant tolerant his actions and he know nothing about me or just say he know who i am only.. i like a observer which nobody know his existance in everyone.. observe people secretly and know what others thinking.. i am like that and i dare to say i know them.. but do they? i always heard this sentence.. there is always a person watching you and waiting for your smiles. ya.. thats can be happened to everyone because i am the one.. but who know the 1 who waiting.. how he feel? i always scare if there really people care about me so i always make a smile.. but now i know there no one.. so my smiles goes down and down everyday its past.. so to have people recognise me. only way is prove myself better in some way.. so i tried.. and so i became scare of mistakes.. scare the mistakes i made make them hate me or what.. and so. i always tensed in every second.. only sleeping.. and so acting became so frequent that its like my characteristic now.. but i know not.. i tried to remind myself which is my real and not. but since its so frequent that i cant even control.. now i have three acting... for family.. for secondary school friends for polytechnic friends..if this continue.. what i can do is destroy the real me.. if you say just show your real you.. i did.. its just nobody know it.. and now i only can show here.. what i think..so.. what done is done... so why i have to go through all these.. isnt me at all.. isnt me...... i have written so much.. and this might be the only post that shows my reason.. my true self.. and the only reminder which is me or not.. if ever 1 day i went evil.. maybe this helps.. nobody will look to here.. if there is.. then i might be have hope.. if there is.....
Ended the storytelling at -->3:35 AM
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Saturday, December 23, 2006
Holiday.. its so boring... but then its so stress too... why? project lor. still what.. its so unfair.. holiday meant for us to relax.. but this holiday doesnt appear so.. so many things to do. how to destress.. of course boring want to find somethings to play.. always think of homework.. then morale gone.. i rather no holiday.. at least easier for us to concentrate on my works.. holiday to me is just rest abit work the rest.. but i cant work and got to struggle my project.. its so unfair to me.. i really think the school management really got problem now.. last semester still okay.. but now? i understand 1 semester is tougher than the other... but then this like skipped 1.2 and jum to 2.1.. how we gonna face.. cant expect the workload during 2.1... oh man... polytechnic really dont suit me.. i more and more regret sleep in O level... cant work.. no money.. my brother borrow money from me again.. i really broke now... really.. oh man... i in such a pathetic state.. how am i gonna face the future... haiz.. think of my project i really feel like help them do all.. all like dont wanna to do.. call them all no answer to when do the project.. i really doomed now... well thats my life.. cant blame.. haiz.. well stop here now.. next time.....
Ended the storytelling at -->11:08 PM
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Thursday, December 21, 2006
Hi.. its been a long time since i blog.. while cant blame.. this recently i very tired.. sleep an early time.. haiz.. but all because of play.. haha.. first is i go watch the Eragon at Vivo City... while.. everyone complaint shouldnt go Vivo.. but i hack care.. i just want enjoy the GV Max.. haha.. bo liao me.. i cant always compromise right? so hack care them blame here blame there... then the next day.. i went to malaysia with derick.. haha.. first time out of country without parent.. but i had wonderful day.. but i overspend my money on clothes.. haha.. but no regret.. as thats 1 year 1 time i in shopping spree.. eat sushi.. play.. and watch videos at my friend house till daylight.. haha.. i always hard to fall asleep and always fll asleep in funny way. which is watch comic at downstair then fall asleep at sofa.. haha.. sleep only 1 hour then wake up saw i yeu's mom then i went up sleep on the table.. they hack care me sia.. dont let me sleep on bed... haiz.. but i still have fun.. haha... time pass fast.. 4 days gone now from the holiday start till.. but i haven start on my project.. but.. nobody want to reply me.. sms no use.. msn no use.. i have no idea how to do.. feel like do it my own.. guess i must start research first.. haiz.. in the end i struggle my own again.. so sad.. now wondering.. my time how to organise.. so hard.. i scare cant do all in this term break.. haiz.. while still want to play game.. so i go le.. Farewell.....
Ended the storytelling at -->7:49 PM
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Sunday, December 17, 2006
Woot.. today what we do.. is out of schedule.. or should say sudden decision... haha.. what we do? while.. actually we always have our daily basketball every saturday.. and my performance is suck until... while never slept for 38 hours.. cant blame.. after that.. we being stopped by a big rain.. and we go kfc eat.. then choon huat wanted go vivo city as he cant go with us during so he want go today.. so we all agree.. wow.. the jouney to vivo city was so long.. but in the end we reach.. haha.. then another wow.. the vivo was so big... big until we lost!! haha we lost until very amazing.. anyhow walk. but its a waste i forgot bring camera.. the outdoor scenery was really nice.. then chee leong hungry.. haha.. dont know why.. we just eat and he hungry now.. haha.. we wak around also for the sake to find foodcourt.. so funny.. so big liao 5 people together stil can lost.. but its really too big.. haiz... but anyway through the struggling.. we finally found it.. and then they suddenly said want go sentosa.. they said since its close.. actually they said it during lunch.. but i thought they said for fun.. but never thought they said it seriously.. because i never go there before.. thought go there will be hard.. but not.. we go there.. haha.. but guess to late le sicne we spent alot of time at vivo.. so nothing much we did.. but the funny part is when we taking bus back.. because its time for everyone to go home le.. so the bus was dammmm cramp. i still keep kanna knock here and there.. all their fault.. dont listen my analyse... if not we were have seats.. instead got to being crushed like sardine.. but anyway.. they deserve it liao.. no need say so much.. but anyway i have alot of fun.. haha.. while very tired liao.. so stop here.. next time.....
Ended the storytelling at -->1:01 AM
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Woot.. today what we do.. is out of schedule.. or should say sudden decision... haha.. what we do? while.. actually we always have our daily basketball every saturday.. and my performance is suck until... while never slept for 38 hours.. cant blame.. after that.. we being stopped by a big rain.. and we go kfc eat.. then choon huat wanted go vivo city as he cant go with us during so he want go today.. so we all agree.. wow.. the jouney to vivo city was so long.. but in the end we reach.. haha.. then another wow.. the vivo was so big... big until we lost!! haha we lost until very amazing.. anyhow walk. but its a waste i forgot bring camera.. the outdoor scenery was really nice.. then chee leong hungry.. haha.. dont know why.. we just eat and he hungry now.. haha.. we wak around also for the sake to find foodcourt.. so funny.. so big liao 5 people together stil can lost.. but its really too big.. haiz... but anyway through the struggling.. we finally found it.. and then they suddenly said want go sentosa.. they said since its close.. actually they said it during lunch.. but i thought they said for fun.. but never thought they said it seriously.. because i never go there before.. thought go there will be hard.. but not.. we go there.. haha.. but guess to late le sicne we spent alot of time at vivo.. so nothing much we did.. but the funny part is when we taking bus back.. because its time for everyone to go home le.. so the bus was dammmm cramp. i still keep kanna knock here and there.. all their fault.. dont listen my analyse... if not we were have seats.. instead got to being crushed like sardine.. but anyway.. they deserve it liao.. no need say so much.. but anyway i have alot of fun.. haha.. while very tired liao.. so stop here.. next time.....
Ended the storytelling at -->1:01 AM
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Friday, December 15, 2006
Finally finished.. but the end?
Finally finish!! hoorray!! lol... what i so happy about? of course its the term test.. but i guess i might failed the last 1 though.. because i didnt study at all.. really give,.. i never sleep at all.. go exam hall brain malfunctioning.. even when i go have lunch with dennis them.. still malfunctioning... but then.. glad its done.. but.. its not the end!! still got alot of things i need to do.. project..project..project..Project!! oh my god.. is school want us die? no need to rest like this... kao.. cant relax.. even plan things to have fun also must plan carefully... plus all my group different member.. which mean its hard to organise!!! oh man. i always lead such a tough life.. and always i am the 1 who like organiser.. why sia.. except for psychology.. today we had meeting.. not i planned 1.. but in the end. wa kao.. tio pangseh.. left me and the organiser... lol. somemore i waited for extra 1 more hour.. like this also can... kao.. stand there wait and wait.. wait and wait... stroll here and there.. haiz.. but in the end we planned the script.. look like going to be alot of fun shooting. but my job doesnt end here.. i still need to make alot of animation.. need to learn things again.. i really dying liao.. but i more excited about the movie trip to vivocity and the malaysia trip.. haha... damn excited when thinking.. i shall not entertain any bad omen.. because if i were.. surely happened.. this time all shall success under my me!! haha... argh.. damn tired. want to catch nap but cant.. eyes wide open.. haiz.. alright i will stop here.. thanks for coming.....
Ended the storytelling at -->6:23 PM
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006
what a "busy" day i had today.. haha.. reason behind it is... just to reconfigured laptop to use the library wireless lan.. what a waste of time.. but i dont mind. lol.. actually come here to study.. and we book study room with siangyee.. gonna spend romance time with "her" for 7 hours.. woot.. i not happy about it -.- lol.. haiz.. its such a bad day.. i almost failed my DFUND.. i guess... maybe failed =X so siaz.. another bad thing is i bring wrong book to study!! wa kao.. what i bought is the test which not going to happened tomorrow but after tomorrow... haiz.. i study nothing sia.. so i tear siangyee notes to read hehe. he soooo unhappy... but what the matter? hack care ^^ haha.. anyway nothing much impact today.. but quite sad only about i gonna failed my DFUND.. haiz.. never mind... i shall did the rest with flying colour to cover this failure... haha.. well... till then.....
Ended the storytelling at -->1:44 PM
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Monday, December 11, 2006
oh my god.. today math test.. just a small test.. but dont know why i was trembling... with fear... i know as my heart beating unsually fast.. i guess i know the reason.. deep down in my heart.. i scare the history repeat.. think thats the reason..thats why i keep revising.. but i know i stressing myself only. but i just cant stop.. finally the time come.. i went in.. my heart beat fast! i look at the paper. its easy i said to myself.. but wait.. isnt that what happened during last term test.. its easy but i cant remember how to do.. my hand shaking again.. ok start.. i calmed down myself.. i know i can do it.. so i did.. i finish it within 20mins!! good sia.. i realize i keep flipping pages.. haha.. i did way too fast.. then 1 people start to leave.. then another so i went together.. anyway i think i can get 90/100 got 1 question i dont know at all.. never teach at all.. but i did it.. hope correct ba.. but wrong chances higher.. haiz.. but i was trembling again.. but is excited.. lol.. but anyway i feel very happy.. haha.. well thats all now.. i will blog next time.. till then.....
Ended the storytelling at -->9:04 PM
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Saturday, December 09, 2006
Hi.. i back home.. after struggling at macdonald? no way.. we at there play sia.. oh my.. even though i know much.. but that doesnt mean play.. i stll need to study to confirm get good grade.. haiz.. we make it like we at lan sp.. studied till 3+ cant take it keep play till 6++.. great sia.. i really very good at wasting time.. lucky previously i studied at library.. so made my work lesser already.. but yet.. i still think not enough.. stress.. haiz.. cant stop thinking.. dammit.. must give myself confidence man... you can do it.. lol.. haiz.. anyway.. though having basketball.. but in the end 1 of the people fal asleep and cant wake up. so my friends want to wait till 8+ and see. so what they doing? sleeping lor... like a log i guess.. haha.. and me? damn energetic -.-.. think later no need sleep liao haha... well nothing else i would wrte.. wish me all the best in term test.. and in return.. i wish everyone all the best too^^... till then.....
Ended the storytelling at -->7:30 AM
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Thursday, December 07, 2006
Days are really horrible..
HI blog.. ya.. here to complain again.. my life are getting more and more horrible... while..first is relationship.. second is work.. third is life!!... all crushing... oh my god... ok lets first say school work.. well thought 2 week plus holiday enough for me to relax.. thats not! i got 4 project going on!!.. and its tons of it!!! and of course the group i assigned.. its not the 1 i want!! oh my god.. i was forced to work with someone which i really dont like. his attitude... while if any of my classmate looking sure know i guess.. (but thats near 0%?) well.. but i will strive to make him change.. i must.. people with sort of characteristic. cant blame somene i dislike.. and i not perfect either but if can.. i dont wish to say him.. after all he is my classmate.. considered my friends.. een i know he dont.. i wont mind.. i know myself.. which is the second things i gonna say about.. relationship.. i dont know why.. no matter what i did.. i cant feel any of my existence acknowledge.. i really felt abandoned.. like today aircon lesson.. my group memeber again never come.. really not giving me respect.. ok thats alrigt.. then what? my friends all join other group as they said but i was left alone.. i doesnt mean its their fault.. but i just feel is it i not done enough? am i so bad that nobody like me? all always talk things behind me.. i really cant take it.. when abandoned.. thats a feeling which i just really scare of it.. no fear.. but... anyway nobody understand except me.. as i used to it.. but just cant accept.. i really very tired acting.. act funny also cannot.. dont talk more worse.. act normal being ignored... if they will to choose group memeber.. i surely the only 1 left out.. how.. how... third is life... my family have no money to pay my school fee.. is it a really bad decision to buy this laptop? i dont know at all.. i just very confused.. and i so useless.. cant even give a call to my dad.. it been long since the last met.. he has changed alot.. and i cant feel the kinship anymore.. even he still show abit care.. i hope to go find him but i way too busy.. now with finacial problem.. how... with all this stress. i really in a despaired situation.. really feel like sleep through all things.....
Ended the storytelling at -->8:26 PM
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Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Damn.. my body happened the same stuff again... slowed and numb... my brain also.. oh my god.. what i learnt cant remember as fast as possible again le.. oh man.. term test coming soon.. cant break down... haiz... i think i succumb to stress again... haiz... i haven studied since the last time i studied which is friday.. tuesday studied with qiaofeng but sleeping.. haiz.. i very worried last time term test my break blank out.. i afraid its happened again.. so worried.. haiz.. think i going to go macdonald overnight again.. even though i all understand.. but i just got bad feeling about it.. haiz... guess i really stressing myself. must learn to relax haiz... while.. nothing much to write this time. so thats all.. till next time.....
Ended the storytelling at -->9:03 PM
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Monday, December 04, 2006
Things that are mine arent meant for me..
I just dont know.. hate my life.. i hate my fate.. i just dont like anythings in this world sooner or later.. i just want to stay peace.. let things goes as nature.. but fate just rejecting my offer.. feel like giving up... laptop i bought.. its mine. why it seem not mne.. my small brother using it like today is the end of the world.. and sill blame me using more than him.. he didnt know that 1 week i touch how many times... if calculate.. the ratio sure 10:1.. i cant let this happened.. a tyrant.. he never thought that this laptop i bought mainly for online uses.. and i surely online less than 5 hours.. no 4 hours.. except weekend might be more... and he never think at all.. even he let it rest.. i reach home the laptop already at its limit.. i use what.. i cant believe a laptop that turn out like this.. now. i gonna stop that.. even if he unhappy.. i wont let him use.. i must stop him before my laptop spoilt.. you see? now after this post i gonna close it due to him.. how i study... haiz.. i must stop myself dote on him.. or should say let him... i must start to think of myself.. i cant always have disadvantage even at home.. cant.. damn. i agitated le.. while cant blame.. i damn tired now after continous matches of basketball.. well i very happy with my performance today... i wont feel stress. dont know why.. hope i can play more often but time not allowed.. next week quiz. i must start studying.. so ya... but now cant.. too tired.. i gonna go sleep le.. haha..well till the next time.....
Ended the storytelling at -->11:18 PM
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Haiz.. why always when i need to get serious always got interrupted or stopped.. haiz.. like for today i wanted to settle myself to study.. but my brother play manjong again.. what the.. i want use laptop my small 1 keep wanted to play.. feel like i buy laptop for them instead... haiz... then thought my big brother stopped and leave i can start.. but dont forget about the small 1.. keep disturb me.. haiz... i leading such a poor life.. who can tell me whether i had bad luck or actually is bad fate? haiz. i feel so messed up... tomorrow got to go school.. everyday 8 plus then reach home.. left 2 hours how to study... with my family i actually cant... haiz... i got a feeling i will do badly again.. i dont really want history repeating.. haiz.. i must strive.. yes.. cannot give up. haha.. while i will stopped here.. if not other people say i was long winded.. =X till then.....
Ended the storytelling at -->12:34 AM
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Sunday, December 03, 2006
Oh.. thats great.. i bought a laptop.. while.. its through a very sudden decision.. its like this... my big bro suddenly called me.. asked me what laptop to buy.. then i said wha i wished to have.. then the next thing i know is.. my bro bought it for me.. what the... so sudden.. then i told him i no money to buy... he shocked.. then he decided to have montly installment.. but then he still need that amount of money in his credit card.. but things oesnt appear to be smoothly either.. haiz... dont say so much about that le.. anyway.. i still very happy about having laptop... haha.. cant blame.. thats 1 of my wishes.. now left 1 more... handphone.. dont know when i will get it.. haha.. hope soon? lets hope... but now exams coming le so cant play too much.. but guess i wont.. lol.. but changes are stopping... i suddenly have a room of mine way too sudden.. i guess i cant stop track in my road already.. changes are taking off.. and i still staying in the pace.. need to get serious le.. while that doesnt seem to be my sentence.. but lets see how far i wil go with my serious attitude.. nobody know how will i do as even myself also dont know.. haha.. thats all for my reflection.. till next time.....
Ended the storytelling at -->12:51 AM
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